Spreadsheet Smackdown! Excel Trash Talk to Crunch Your Rivals

I see people crafting all sorts of Excel pickup lines, but what about trash talk? After all, how many dates are Excel nerds getting anyway? (And let the trash talk begin.)

Here are some Excel put-downs and trash talk phrases, in no particular order:

• “Your attempt at automation is like a self-driving car … from the Flintstones era.”
• “Your macro is like a soap opera. It runs forever and nothing ever happens.”
• “Your workbook is so brittle, it breaks faster than your New Year’s resolution.”
• “Oh, you’re still using HLOOKUP()? That’s cute.”
• “Your workbook freezes more than Siberia.”
• “1980’s video games called. They want their graphics back from your charts.”
• “The archaeology department called. They want to look at your Excel workbooks.”
• “The Recycle Bin called. It’s looking for your dashboards.”
• “You must be an external link. You’re unnecessarily complicated and nobody wants to work with you.”
• “The only Excel keyboard shortcut you should be using is Ctrl + F4.”
• “Rube Goldberg called. He wants his Excel spreadsheet back.”
• “This report is so old, it remembers when SUM() was a cool new function.”
• “You’re so bad at spreadsheets, Excel asked to be put in safe mode just to protect itself.”
• “Your data is so dirty, I need a tetanus shot just looking at it.”
• Hoarders called. They want to do an episode on your workbooks.”
• “I’ve seen cleaner data in a teenager’s bedroom.”

Which one is your favorite, or do you have any to contribute? Let me know in the comments, and I may just expand the list with your attribution, of course.